


100 Things

by nameless_novelist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27366451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_novelist/pseuds/nameless_novelist
Summary: One day Dean Winchester found a note hidden carefully between the pages of his favorite book in the Harry Potter Series – Prisoner of Azkaban. He thought it would be a love letter from his sappy boyfriend, Castiel di Angelo. Imagine his surprise when it turned out to be a checklist of 100 things Dean should try on his own.
Relationships: Andrea Kormos/Benny Lafitte, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	100 Things

  1. _~~Film yourself for a few minutes~~_



Dean was sitting on a couch as he stared at the camera he had placed on the bookshelf. He glanced to his left and to his right, as if he were looking for people that weren’t really there. As much as Dean liked to joke about his good looks, he was not a vain man. It was rather quite the opposite. He looked slightly uncomfortable as he shifted his position, trying to release the tension. Taking a deep breath, Dean squared his shoulder and looked straight into the camera.

“Hey, my name is Dean Winchester. I’m an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. Or at least I used to before I met this gorgeous boyfriend with an angelic smile and baby blue eyes but –wait for it– also simply a _beast_ in bed.”

After his long ranting, Dean took in a deep breath and then smiled lopsidedly at the camera. 

“And this should be the part where you, Cas, introduce yourself and we’d have a heated make-out session and this video would be trending #1 on a gay porn site. ...Y’know what? I’m gonna retake this thing.”

This time Dean started to talk right away after he made sure that the camera was on.

“Ok, I hope I erased the first one because I have no idea how to use this thing. Sue me. Anyway, uh, here I am. Dean Winchester, your handsome boyfriend. Wow, this feels so weird. Man, it was already weird enough to find a To-Do List that you left for me to do. I don't really see the point of filming myself crossing off the list when you won’t be seeing this but still I'm just gonna pretend that you can. I guess I like the feeling that you are watching me. Y'know I have a thing for that.”

Dean winked cheekily towards the camera, but he froze afterward as if he regretted his action.

“Do you know it’s been fuckin’ _months_ since I’ve been without you? I only know this because Sam called in to check up on me since then. At least now Sam finally got off my back - I think he bought my tough-guy act, although the truth is I still miss you. I miss your eyes and I could still see them when I close my eyes. Those glaring blue eyes that look straight into me. I miss your voice, too. I thought I’d never say this but I even miss your grouchy mumbling in the morning. I miss the warm laughter of yours, I miss your tight hugs. And I could probably go on and on and still you won’t hear the end of it.”

Dean chuckled slightly and then sighed, looking down at his hands.

“Miss you, Cas. I wish I had a fancy vocabulary range like you so that I could use a better word that describes exactly how much and how deeply I miss you. God, I sound like a sap. I think I just used up a year’s worth of sappiness, so don’t expect too much from now on. Then I guess I’ll see you in the next task, huh?” 

  


  1. _~~Try fried pickles in Louisiana~~_



Dean held the camera with his one hand and waved the last piece of the fried pickle in front of the camera with his other hand. He chewed on the fried pickle slowly at first but he quickly gobbled down the rest.

“Cas, this is the best thing that you've asked me to do on this list so far. Man, this is awesome! I am in this Cajun restaurant down in Louisiana and I met this guy named Benny. Hey, Benny! Say hi to Castiel for me, would ya?”

“Hello, Castiel. Pleasure.”

A man came up behind Dean and looked into the camera, smiling warmly. He was well-built and had short stubbles on his chin. He might have looked intimidating had he been not smiling. Dean grinned at him, clearly pleased that Benny had taken him seriously. He looked back at the camera, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Now don’t go all ‘jealous boyfriend’ on me, Cas. Though Benny here may be a real nice guy, you are the only one for me.”

Benny laughed at Dean’s remark and shook his head in fake disbelief.

"Dean, you wound me so."

“What can I say? I am a very committed man.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. I always thought that Benny was a committed man as well, but now I have my doubts.”

Another voice quipped in and Dean turned his head toward the kitchen, where there stood a handsome woman.

“Well, can you blame him? I know you can’t resist my charm either, Andrea.”

The woman walked out of the kitchen and stared at Dean in amusement.

“You think you are funny, don’t you?”

“No, I think I’m adorable.”

The sound of Andrea’s warm laughter filled the air and Benny watched her lovingly. As Dean stared at the two of them, his smile fell ever so slightly. He did, however, quickly redeem himself and complained, “I’m gonna leave you two lovebirds alone. Jeez, I’m feeling lonely here.”

“Well, you're more than welcome to bring your boyfriend next time.”

“You sure you aren't just saying that to boost your sales?”

Andrea widened her eyes and gasped in mock horror. 

“Oh no, you read right through me, didn’t you?”

“Damn straight.”

Benny just chuckled. “Well, but in all honesty, Dean, come visit us again. Cher and I’ll be waiting with fried pickles and a nice bowl full of gumbos.”

Dean broke into a huge grin as he replied, “Now that’s an offer I couldn’t possibly resist. Rain check?”

  


  1. _~~Eat a salad for once~~_



Dean was sitting inside a restaurant by the window. A scowl was etched into his face and his bottom lips jutted out, a typical expression Dean wore when he was displeased about a certain situation.

“Cas, I still can’t believe you're asking me to do this. Hell, I can’t believe I’m gonna do this.”

“Stop whining, Dean.”

Sam’s exasperated voice could be heard and presumably, he was the one behind the camera.

“Well, I would if Cas didn’t force me to eat a fuckin’ salad, bitch.”

“Jerk, you know Cas was always worried about your diet.”

Dean pouted and sighed like a petulant child would when denied a candy.

“How come? Look at me, I am a picture of perfect health! Besides I cook my meals instead of eating take-out, so ha.”

“When was the last time you cooked a meal since Cas’ gone?”

“...Shut up and just order me a damn salad, Samantha. Wait, do you think they offer extra meat topping?”

Even though Sam’s face wasn’t shown in the video, judging by Dean’s expression, Sam had probably made his infamous ‘bitch face’. 

“Dean, I don’t think you can cross this one out if you are being a cheater.”

“But there are many kinds of salads! He should be glad that I didn’t eat chocolate and called it a salad.”

A laugh came from someone off the screen and Sam turned the camera around to show his girlfriend, Eileen. 

“Eileen, you think this is funny, huh? I thought you and I were team meat man,” Dean grumbled, waving his fork threateningly toward her but Eileen looked unfazed.

“We most definitely are. That’s why I am ordering a burger.”

“Mm. We're sharing, right?”

“No. Unlike you, I am not obliged to eat a salad.”

“Well, Cas, I am going to turn this off for now. I’ll keep an eye on Dean and make sure he eats the salad, yeah?”

When the camera turned back on, Dean was showing his empty bowel toward the camera.

“There, happy?”

This time Sam turned around the camera to show his face, breaking out into a huge grin.

“He actually ate it all! Can you believe it? It’s a miracle.”

“Not a miracle. Power of love.”

Eileen smiled next to Sam, with amusement twinkling in her eyes.

“You’re right, Eileen. Wow, I think Dean really loves you, Cas.”

“Shut up both of you. I'm gonna have a steak for dinner today.”

  


  1. _~~Go camping~~_



It was dark, but Dean’s face was glowing from the LED lamp that he had on his laps. Apparently, he had placed the camera on a camping chair and the camera was showing Dean in a low-angled shot.

“Looks like it’s just me and you, Cas, ‘cause Sam’s sleeping like a log right now. It’s funny since I’m usually the one who gets knocked out as soon as we hit the hay. But this time, I don’t know why but for some reason I couldn’t fall asleep. So I got out of the tent –quietly since Sam can be a real bitch if I wake him up – and turned this thing on.”

Dean’s lips twitched with amusement, as he stole a quick glance toward the camera.

“Y’know, Cas, you are one sly son of a bitch. You never went camping with me even when I’d literally throw myself to you and beg you to come with me. You would make the stupidest excuses and I didn’t push it. But suggesting that I should go camping when you’re not around? This is just low, even for you. Why were you so reluctant about going camping anyway? I mean, you are obviously the tree hugger and hippie one here. Well, I’m just sayin’ – since I ate _salad_ because you asked me to, I’d say I am the better boyfriend between the two of us. Besides you aren't the one left behind – fuck!”

He pulled his hair in frustration and he balled his fists, clenching and unclenching them repeatedly. Then he let out a huge sigh.

“...I didn’t want to make you feel guilty. I just miss you, like, a lot, y’know? I wish you were here. I know how much you appreciate nature and I think you’d love to see all these stars up here. Maybe you could see them too.” 

Dean lifted the camera up but it showed nothing else than a vast, dark sky overhead. He lowered the camera with a sheepish grin on his face. 

“I wanted to film the stars but this camera is a piece of shit. Guess that means you get to see more of this handsome face. I know you like it, so I guess you won't have any objections. God, it’s pretty chilly up here. If you were here, I might ask you to be the big spoon, hugging me from behind to keep me warm. Hmm, yeah, that sounds like a perfect night. You’d just cradle me in your arms and rock me gently, all the while kissing my forehead. Whispering that you’d always be here when I need you.”

After Dean almost whispered the last sentence, he closed his eyes and let the wind fill the silence.

  


  1. _~~Watch the sunrise~~_



Unlike other videos, Dean was still in his pajamas and he had untamed bed-hair. The camera was placed on a kitchen countertop and Dean poured himself a cup of coffee so that he wouldn’t just groan throughout the video.

After he took his sweet time slowly sipping on his coffee, Dean finally grumbled, “I am starting to think you were secretly a sadist, enjoying all my agonies, Cas. Seriously, you know how I hate waking up early. Since you were just being mean, I thought about filming a sunset and insisting it’s a sunrise but you are a smart guy and you’d probably figure it out. Even if I manage to edit the videos, which I can’t.”

Dean let out a low chuckle, lower than the usual since it was morning.

“...wait, the sun is rising now! Do you see this, Cas? I mean you wouldn’t obviously, but still.”

His voice perked up with excitement, only to fall back down. Nonetheless, Dean picked up the camera and pointed it towards the sunrise. After Dean gently set the camera back down, he fixed his gaze to the window, taking a moment to appreciate the view.

As the sun shined through the windows, Dean’s hair was a radiant color of gold and his bright green eyes seemed as if they were practically glowing. Even a small smile was gracing his face.

“Cas, wanna hear a sappy sentence this sunrise has inspired me? Here it goes: ‘even the Sun rises and falls, but my love for you never will’. Ha, I’m telling you this, this is almost like one of those Shakespearean sonnets. No, actually scratch that. This one is even better – it’s Winchesterian sonnets.”

Dean was just spewing nonsense – to his defense, it was too early in the morning for him – but he winced slightly, realizing he was rambling. 

“Y’know what? I think I’m gonna hit the hay again. Hopefully, I can get back to sleep.”

He hesitated before reaching toward the camera to turn it off.

“Just so you know, I mean it, Cas. Wherever you are, I still love you.”

  


  1. _~~Try yoga~~_



Sam was wearing a sleeveless shirt and short pants, clearly dressed for physical activities. The camera moved up and down and then a snort came from behind the camera.

“Sam, I don’t do shorts. So I think I’ll pass.”

“Dean, I’m telling you: you are going to regret it.”

This time Dean was handling the camera and he seemed to have learned more tricks this time. He was zooming the camera in slowly so that by the time Sam finished his sentence, only Sam’s nostrils could be seen.

“So what? I’m not gonna wear anything that doesn’t reach my knees.”

“Fine, just don’t complain to me afterward because the only thing you’ll hear from me is ‘I told you so’.”

Dean turned the camera to show himself instead and sighed dramatically.

“Sammy here is supposed to be my yoga teacher for today but I really should’ve gone to a yoga class instead.”

“You wouldn’t because you don’t want anyone to know how stiff you are.”

As Sam scoffed, a wicked grin crept up to Dean’s face.

“Just so you know, Sammy, I am _extremely_ bendy. Cas used to bend me all over the-”

Sam groaned, stopping his brother from going into explicit details.

“Dean! I don’t know about your sex life and I’d like to keep it that way. Seriously, I wonder how Cas was able to put up with you and your constant need to turn everything into sexual innuendos.”

“Sammy, are you badmouthing me?”

“...will you go place the camera somewhere and get on your mat, jerk.”

“Bitch,” mumbled Dean, just before he turned the camera off. 

  


  1. _~~Learn horseback riding~~_



The camera was placed on the shotgun of his beloved Impala, Baby. Dean was wearing a cowboy hat on his head, as he drove and hummed to the music he picked – Ramble On by Led Zeppelin. He tapped on his steering wheel, musing to himself.

“I knew you were a pretty kinky person, but this? This one is _really_ kinky, Cas. Here I was, thinking you appreciated how great I am when I ride you. Apparently, you thought I need more practice.” 

Suddenly Dean burst into laughter.

“Yup, I can definitely imagine your frown of disapproval! Luckily, I am all alone in my Baby so nobody else would’ve heard me. Besides, we both know that you secretly like me talking dirty to you. It’s a close tie with my perky nipples, isn’t it?”

Dean was clearly in a good mood, probably because he always had a thing for cowboys. So he began to hum again and the camera recorded it for a while until it suddenly turned off.

When the camera turned back on, Dean was not alone. A lanky man was standing beside him and he had a huge smile on his face and it looked so natural on him as if he had never frowned in all of his life.

“Hey, you missed me? I forgot to charge this thing so it went out. Good thing I could charge it while I was taking my lesson, right? To be honest, it did take me a while to get a hang of it but now I’m like a pro. Well, semi-pro. So I am just gonna hand this camera over to Garth here and try to take his horse around the course on my own. Could you say hello, Garth?”

The guy raised his hand and tried his best to speak in a Texan accent.

“Howdy!”

“Buddy, you haven’t watched a single cowboy movie, have ya?”

Even though Dean was being rather rude, shaking his head disapprovingly in a dramatic manner, Garth didn’t look offended at all.

“No, I haven’t. Lucky for me, watching western films was not a criterion for running a ranch farm.”

“I know that but you have horses, man. It’s like an unwritten rule for you to see western movies.” 

“Well, it may not count but I did watch ‘My Little Pony’ with my daughter. She loves them so much.”

Garth glanced at Dean and continued on, choosing his next words carefully.

“Besides, cowboys are more or less people from the past. I see people every day who ride horses with equal skill and talent here on this ranch.”

“Huh, I didn’t expect you to be a smooth talker type.”

Dean was looking amused, if not awed, and Garth simply shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m not. It’s just that I like to say what I think. Now you ready to take my lady for a ride, Dean?”

“Hell, yeah. I was born ready.”

  


  1. _~~Do volunteer work~~_



There were bookshelves all around the place – which was no surprise since Dean was inside a library. The library wasn’t big but it was by no means small and children were wandering about with books in their hands. 

A petite woman with glowing red hair walked up to Dean with a quizzical look on her face.

“Hey there, stranger. May I inquire you as to your reason behind filming this library?”

Dean dropped the camera by his side so that both of their faces were not shown, but he didn’t turn it off completely. Dean’s voice lacked his usual confidence, as he answered the woman’s question.

“It’s a project?”

“A project.”

Her voice was rather flat, sounding unconvinced by Dean’s answer.

“Yeah, so would it be ok if I film here? I only need to film myself, no one else.”

“Is this going to be posted on your social network?”

“What, no! This is personal. It’s... it’s for my boyfriend.”

She made a small surprised “Oh” sound and this time she spoke more cheerfully with a hint of sheepishness.

“I apologize for being so pushy. I am borderline paranoid about data protection, you know? I used to be a white hat hacker.”

“Really? Now that’s seriously cool.” 

“Yeah, I find it so cute that you are filming yourself for your boyfriend! Maybe I’ll take one for Dorothy someday.”

“Dorothy?”

“Yup, she’s my girlfriend. You know, just so that we are even.”

“Got it. Does that mean I can film here, then?”

“Go ahead. And since you asked nicely, I will let you film me as well.”

Dean picked up the camera to record himself and the red-haired woman again. His face could barely hide his amusement.

“So I am doing this volunteer thing here in the children’s library and I met-”

Dean sent a quick glance to the woman and her eyes were wide, as realization dawned on her.

“Oh. Hello, I don’t believe we have been introduced. A pleasure to meet you, I am Charlie Bradbury.”

“My name’s Dean Winchester. Finally, I get to meet someone who appreciates some good pop culture.”

“You understood my reference? Oh god, I think I love you!”

“I know.”

They both looked at each other until they broke out into a huge grin. Dean and Charlie talked to each other with a speed of a rapid-fire about Star Wars until their faces were flushed and it was time for them to do a storytime. 

Dean placed the camera on one of the empty shelves and let the camera continue to film him and Charlie, as they read stories for children using their theatrical voices.

  


  1. _~~Grow a house plant~~_



Dean was standing beside a plant that he just bought.

“See, this plant over here? I went to the Home Depot-”

“With me!”

A cheerful voice interrupted Dean and he rolled his eyes but he stared at the person behind the camera affectionately. 

“Yes, with Charlie. Charlie and I got this plant. It’s called Monstera.”

“I wish you would have picked bonsai. I mean, it even sounds similar to Bon Jovi!”

Although Charlie was not on the screen, she sounded like she was genuinely disappointed.

“No, it doesn’t. Besides, Monstera sounds more badass than bonsai. Also, the lady there said it can grow up to 60 ft!”

“In their natural habitat, not in an apartment.”

“Let a man dream, would you?”

Upon Dean’s grumbling, Charlie’s voice turned into glee.

“Oh no, did I burst your manly bubbles? So what are you going to do, huh? Come on, give me all you've got, Winchester!”

Charlie was clearly egging Dean on and Dean’s eyes twinkled with playfulness before he took long strides toward her.

The video was disoriented since Charlie was running for her dear life away from Dean. She was luckily saved when her phone rang.

“Oops, it seems like my girlfriend is already at the theater. I guess I will leave you to it! Don’t worry, I will be back and we’re definitely hanging out again.”

She quickly handed the camera to Dean and scampered to the doorstep. After the door closed behind her, Dean held the camera so that he would be on the screen again.

“Well, that went well. Huh, I don’t think I told you this before, but do you know I left everything as is until now? Hell, I never even invited anyone –except Sam – over ‘til today. Trying something new was bearable but bringing in something new home? That feels weird. I mean, this was our home and I know it’s gonna sound stupid but I wanted here to remain like that. As a place where we lived together. I thought things will get easier with time and I won’t be so obsessed about traces of you, but no, it isn’t getting anywhere near easy. ‘Time heals all wounds’ was apparently just a bunch of bullshit.”

  


  1. _~~Sing at a karaoke bar~~_



For someone who enjoys alcohol, recreation, and people, Dean was grimacing as he set the camera on one of the counters in a karaoke bar.

“This is not my first time at a karaoke bar and it’s not even my first time singing here, either. It’s just... I never sang something in front of you. Now I am gonna be singing to every other person except you. It feels weird.”

Dean drummed his fingers on the countertop, thinking.

“Fuck, I never tried singing without getting drunk,” muttered Dean under his breath. “If I don’t make it out here alive, it’s because the crowd has murdered me for making their eardrums bleed.”

“Hiya there, fella! Don’t sell yourself so short!”

A bubbly, feminine voice responded to Dean’s lament and Dean looked at her impassively. 

“Well, I was just being objective.”

“Ufta.” The woman knitted her eyebrows together in concentration until she came up with an answer. “You know what? I’ll be the judge of that. I’m Donna, by the way.”

“Hello, Donna. Name’s Dean.”

“Jodio! We should sign Dean up for singing!”

“I’m sure Dean can do it by himself.”

Another woman replied drily and Dean chuckled despite himself.

“That’s true. Hey, Donna, would you mind filming me when I’m on the stage?”

“Sure! Mind asking you why?” 

“Oh, you will know why soon enough.”

When Dean’s name was finally called out, and he was invited to come up to the stage, Dean looked much more confident than minutes ago. The only sign of his nervousness was his little bit too tight grip on his microphones as he introduced himself.

“My name’s Dean and this song goes to my boyfriend.” 

Someone from the crowd shouted “Where’s he? Is he here?” and Dean’s smile became tighter.

“No, he’s unfortunately not here with me. But I will give you guys one hell of a show: I’ll be singing Thank You by Led Zeppelin.” 

_If the sun refused to shine_

_I would still be loving you_

_When mountains crumble to the sea_

_There will still be you and me_

_Kind_ man _, I give you my all_

 _Kind_ man _, nothing more_

_Little drops of rain whisper of the pain_

_Tears of loves lost in the days gone by_

_My love is strong, with you there is no wrong_

_Together we shall go until we die_

_My, my, my inspiration is what you are to me_

_Inspiration look, see_

_And so today, my world it smiles_

_Your hand in mine, we walk the miles_

_Thanks to you it will be done_

_For you to me are the only one_

_Happiness, no more be sad_

_Happiness, I'm glad_

_If the sun refused to shine_

_I would still be loving you_

_Mountains crumble to the sea_

_There will still be you and me_

Dean had changed the lyric so that he sang ‘kind man’ when it should be ‘kind woman’. Despite his off-key singing, the crowd didn’t seem to mind since they either have never heard of the original song or sang along with Dean because they do know the song.

  


  1. _~~Take a dance lesson~~_



Dean was sitting on the couch again like the very first task he had done a year ago. This time, however, he looked much more relaxed before he opened his mouth.

“I wasn’t able to take a film of me dancing because it takes two to dance and Sam and Eileen are off on a honeymoon. Can you believe it? Sammy finally nut up and asked Eileen to marry him. I thought Eileen would have to ask for his hand. Anyway they had a relatively small wedding, but it was beautiful. You would’ve loved it.”

A small smile flitted across his face but it quickly died.

“Cas, I always kinda liked the relationship we had. I mean... I am gonna sound like a sap when I say this but deep inside I always knew that you are _the_ one in my life so I didn’t really feel the need to define our relationship in a conventional way. But that’s only half of the truth. The other half... I didn’t want to tie you down with me. You deserve a much better person than me, and I was so scared shitless that if I give you all my trust and love to you, you’d someday leave me behind and I didn’t want to get my hopes up just to get let down. I know you’d never do that... but things can change.”

Dean turned his eyes toward the ground, his voice full of emotion as he continued on.

“But I really wish I’d let my goddamn insecurities down for once and actually asked for your hand. We both don’t have any parents to tell – I just need to tell Sammy and Bobby and for you, a couple of your siblings and cousins. We don’t even need to get a fancy suit. I would marry you in a heartbeat with your beloved trench coat on, although I might wonder if I’m marrying you or the coat. Sam would have given me away and Bobby would be the moderator because you already know I don’t believe in God. I-I could actually imagine us walking down the isles when I saw Sam’s wedding. Yeah, I know. Not the best nor the politest thing to do at your brother’s wedding but Cas, I saw Sammy’s smile and it wouldn’t come down. I thought I’ve seen him at his happiest when he was accepted at Stanford University. Turns out he could smile much wider than that.”

Dean faced the camera – his expression held a hint of sadness but the determination behind his eyes and a faint smile was very much genuine. 

“I’m not saying we should’ve rushed everything and raced to the isles and bouquets and all those shit. I just wanted to say that if you are willing, I’d like to take the next step with you.”

  
  


  
_This was the last file on this device. Replay?_

A message popped up and Castiel was dragged back into the harsh reality. One where Dean was no longer smiling so radiantly at him because he was dead.

Castiel just stared at the empty screen of his laptop until he finally lifted his eyes off from it. The glaring sunlight was almost too painful, threatening to blind him. Castiel sighed and took a deep breath. A revolting smell crept up through his nostrils and he frowned. Oh, that’s right – Castiel hasn’t showered for days.

It was a pure accident that Castiel stumbled across the camera. Castiel was gone for little more than two years off-land as a member of MSF and although he headed back to America as soon as he received a letter from Sam, informing him about Dean’s death, he was about a week too late. 

During the two years without Dean by his side, not a second went by without a thought of Dean but Castiel didn’t miss him. In fact, the thought of Dean living his life with his brother and maybe completing the surprise checklist Castiel had left for him was the sole reason why Castiel could somehow manage to smile at the end of the day, even when he’s worn down to the bones after treating his patients.

Now he missed Dean. The pain of longing was surreal and it now clouded his rational judgments. Although he’s very well aware that Dean won’t be coming back but Castiel left Dean’s room as it was. Probably for the same reason Dean left Castiel’s room exactly like the way he left it. Even so, his chest now had a gaping hole that couldn’t be closed and the memories were gushing out of that hole, each memory screaming for Dean.

Castiel, being a doctor, was aware of how precious and delicate human lives were but never had he imagine Dean’s life being extinguished. It was hard to imagine strong-willed boyfriend of his, his soul probably vibrant with emotion and life, would die. Yes, one of Castiel’s favorite daydream was the one where they would grow older together, grey hair and everything but death? Death was not part of it.

It wasn’t fair how Dean had died of the most common yet non-natural cause like a car accident. The truck driver was apparently sleep-deprived and made a wrong turn, inevitably crashing into Dean’s beloved Baby. The man had enough conscience to call for medics but Dean was already a lost cause. According to Sam, the medics had said that Dean was ‘lucky’ – quick and swift death, instead of hazing through the unconscious state.

The 100th thing on the checklist had been to pick Castiel up from the airport when he comes back. 

It seems that he had come back a little too late.

One day, Castiel buried his head in Dean’s favorite leather jacket, taking in the fading scent of Dean. Until something fell out of the pocket. It was a neatly folded piece of paper albeit a bit greasy but Castiel carefully unfolded it. On the top, it was written in Dean’s scribble ‘100 and 1 things Castiel should try out’.

It has been 3 years since Dean’s death when Castiel finally crossed out the 100th thing to do: to buy a pair of rings.

He wasn’t satisfied with any pair of rings – it had to be perfect enough for Dean. Dean would prefer something simple, always a man of practicality, but Castiel wanted the design to be one-of-a-kind and beautiful, just like Dean. It took a handful of trips to different jewelry stores until he found the right one.

Even after Castiel found the perfect ring, it took him a while to gather the courage to drive to the cemetery where Dean was buried. He dug a small patch on the left side of Dean’s grave so that he could bury one of the rings with him. After he covered the patch back with the dirt, he stood up and ran his fingers across the inscribed epitaph on Dean’s plaque. It was a twist on his infamous catchphrase: I still think I’m adorable.

Although Castiel couldn’t quite understand his boyfriend’s twisted sense of humor, he thought it was typical of Dean to want something ridiculous, rather than something serious. Castiel remembered with a grimace, how he had run away the first time he saw Dean’s epitaph because his blood was boiling and ringing in his ears and he just could handle Dean’s way of humor then.

He was feeling better now. He certainly wasn’t mourning at his loss anymore. The hole in his heart that seemed to be incapable of closing is now marked with an “X” because it’s where all his treasured memories with Dean lies.

People say taking small steps at a time helps you to deal with the pain. So he did. He checked off Dean’s list, one by one. He had listened to top 13 of Dean’s favorite Led Zeppelin songs, he ate fried pickled and gumbo by Benny’s, he met up with Charlie in the library amongst all the other things.

There was only one thing left on the list and he smiled sadly at it because he knows he would never be able to cross it out:

Marry Dean Winchester. 


End file.
